When Loving You Became My Death Row

There is nothing more painful than the process of separation and/or divorce.  No matter how you try to spin it, there is still a loss factor that happens.  Whether you were ready or not for either to happen . . it happened and its equivalent to death.  Literally a part of you has died.  You're continually waiting on the inevitable to happen which keeps you locked up emotionally and quite frankly physically.  I personally equate this feeling with death row.  You're waiting and waiting for your demise not knowing if when the date comes it will actually happen or not. 

When you love someone or commit yourself to them, you never know what's going to happen in the long run.  Hell sometimes even in the short run.  All you are wishing for is the best out of the situation. You don't expect that one day things will come to an end prior to that whole "until death do us part" that you so eloquently repeated during your wedding day.  Even if you're not married, you made a commitment to one another of monogamy so that's what you expect.  Again, waiting in limbo for the unexpected to happen.

Many of us give all we can in relationships and it will never be enough.  Let me tell you why.  You can never fulfill someone else's expectation of what and who you should be to them.  I remember speaking with a young lady and she said that she did everything her spouse wanted her to do and he still cheated.  They worked through it and got back together.  Lo and behold . .you guessed it . . he cheated again.  She couldn't understand why because she did everything he asked her to do.  His reasoning was because he wasn't getting the attention he needed from her.  I quite frankly had to tell her, once she asked of course, that's not the reason he cheated.  He cheated because he wanted to.  If attention is what was missing and you've already been in this rodeo before, that would have been the thing to be worked on that last two . . oops three times . . .that happened.  Each time there was a new "reason" for him cheating.  Finally, she cheated.  The trust was gone as much as she tried to hang in there and believe she could move forward . . .each time . . .that first time interrupted everything that was to come afterwards in that relationship.  She continually waited to see what would happen next.  She was on death row.  Without trust . . .there is no relationship.  You can love from a distance!

Often times, we are blamed or blame ourselves for things that others make conscious decisions to do.  Stop lying to yourself and others behind the reasons why you do the things you do.  You did it because you wanted to do it. POINT . .BLANK . .PERIOD.  No one can make you do anything outside of distress which could end in death. We place ourselves in predicaments based on choice.  You can choose at any point and time to NOT go through with something which will alter the outcome of everything else that will come after that decision is made. 

When Loving You Became My Death Row I knew I had to do something about it.  My hand was finally forced to make a decision that my heart hasn't been ready for; but it had to happen. We're told to follow our hearts at the same time following our heart will continue to keep you imprisoned if there is no change in a positive direction for all parties involved.  I can honestly say that although I have never been a saint, I have a big heart and I have always given it.  I go above and beyond to help people with that same expectation foolishly.  I'm a work in progress and still finding my way through this crazy thing called divorce and life after it happens.

#findYOURhappy

With Love,
LR Wilson, Founder

FB: Channeling Tequila Page
IG:  @channelingtequila

Men Are Like Worker Ants! Women Are Like Caterpillars!

If you've ever sat and watched an ant pile, ant mold, ant hill . .whatever you grew up calling them, you will see that there are many ants moving about.  Coming and going up the hill, down the hill, some pulling things (mostly food), some pushing things into and onto the compound.  The one thing that you don't see is them stop moving.  You know why?  These are worker ants.  They are designed to WORK!  Men are just like this.  Well let me say that MOST men are like worker ants.  Generalizing could get me into alot of unwanted discussion lol! Yes there is a Queen Bee in control of it all.  How I love a bad bitch . .but she has one job and that's to direct the worker ants. 

Men work and work and work.  They were bred to provide for the family so it's innate within most men to do this.  It comes without a second thought and it just happens.  As fabulous as this is for the economy and financial stability (hopefully) it also can be a distraction from what is really going on at home.  Most often times when men are working, they are solely focused on what they are doing.  Yes they will come and go in the family structure but working is the primary goal.  Of course, I'm not an expert so this is all my interpretation . .from my experiences.  Because they are focused on working they lack in other areas and it becomes a struggle in the home life.  Key moments in the family are missed like dinner with the family, recreational time, sporting events if kids are involved and pretty much any socializing with the family.  Yes and no when it comes to fault. Let me tell you why!  He is responsible for providing for the family financially; however he also is responsible for providing a sense of security in the household that goes well beyond finances.  Women need to be shown affection! I know this is BREAKING NEWS to many, but it's necessary in order to keep a relationship in good standing.  So imma need the worker ants to put in just as much work at home as they do on the job.  That same attention to detail is needed in a relationship.  That is . .IF you want to keep it!

Now we get to the caterpillars! How exciting . .right!!??  One would think that this is not interesting at all. Women are like caterpillars!  We go through alot to get to our transformation.  A process of true metamorphosis happens.  When a caterpillar turns into a butterfly, they not only look different, they also behave differently.  Women grow up . .most women . .much faster than men.  The reason why is because we are born to nurture.  Just like men are born to provide, we also have a specific duty to the family. . to nurture.  Yes we often nurture the children, but our men also need to be nurtured.  They have to be encouraged to be their best selves and we are the ones to do that.  No man wants to come home to a woman that puts them down and nags all the time.  It also goes the other way as well.  We cook, clean, take care of the household and have it running like a fine tuned automobile.  It's hard work but we make it look easy as hell.  You know why?  Because again it's innate.  We get shit done . .bottom line!  Just like the hard work a caterpillar is put through in order to emerge or transform into a butterfly is no pretty sight; yet and still the transformation and the end result is pure beauty.

Maturity comes in different phases.  With each phase you will go through trials and tribulations in order to get to the next phase.  The more you mature, the more you begin to recognize and understand why you do certain things or change certain things.  When there is no growth . .there is no maturity.  You become stagnant and stanky!  Yep you heard it here first!  If you're stagnant . .you're stanky!  You are not evolving into your best self.  You have to keep moving in order to experience maturity.  It does NOT come with age sadly.  It does however come with experience.  Each moment we experience something . .rather negative or positive . .it plays a part in our maturity levels rising.  It's up to you on what you do with your levels.  The only time you are not maturing is when you die.  Accept that life happens and there will be changes.  Will you move with life or will you become stagnant and stanky?  The choice is yours!  Men Are Like Worker Ants!  Women Are Like Caterpillars!

#findYOURhappy

With Love,

LR Wilson, Founder
FB: Channeling Tequila Page
IG: @channelingtequila

Girl Stop!

IT never ceases to amaze me how our minds will take us back to what we THINK we can fix so we play over and over again in our heads a strategy.  A strategy that makes illogical things logical; therefore we just know it will all work out this time.  That whole insanity definition of continuing to do the same things and expecting a different result applies right here! Your expectation is not that of another. We want so badly to fix things that don't involve us AT ALL!! GIRL STOP!

You can not make someone do what they do NOT want to do.  It just won't happen.  We will sure try to make it happen because that's what we do.  We believe in things happening decent and in order when we ALL know the shit is dysfunctional and ain't nothing functional about it.  Yet we will justify, lie, cheat and steal to prove our point of it was/is all working.  In our tiny world and inkling of thought at the moment . .we desperately want things to work out for the good . .everyone's good.  GIRL STOP!

In my Lauren Hill voice "it ain't working".  The same energy we manifested into the facade of things are working out for everyone is the same energy we have to put into walking away and healing ourselves.  You can not walk into a burning building and not expect to be at least scorched.  Every time you think "oh yea that's it . .here we go" that's the very moment you must redirect your thought process to GIRL STOP!  Do you honestly think when David walked out the Lion's Den he was saying "oh let me go back in here since I was delivered untouched".  UMMM . .GIRL STOP!

Not only have we been touched .. we have been taunted, shamed, emotionally and mentally been abused.  In some cases physically abused.  There are many many attempts to leave an abusive relationship and when that one moment of clarity with freedom attached to it happens .. no matter what form of abuse . .YOU GO!  Don't run back for fear of turning into a pillar of salt like Lot's wife.  If it's meant for you to have it . .YOU WILL!  You can't force what doesn't fit.  I don't care how you shave it down . .tie it up . .push pull and prod . .GIRL STOP!

There has to be reciprocity and if there isn't . .we have to do it for ourselves.  Take care of you first and the rest will fall into place.  Don't allow other people, places, things and circumstances to define your happy!  GIRL STOP!

#findYOURhappy

With Love,

LR WILSON, Founder

FB: Channeling Tequila Page

IG:  @channelingtequila

Doormats & Dishrags

Most of us have either owned a doormat or at least heard of a doormat.  It's a pretty simple gadget that's placed by the doorway and you wipe your feet as you enter and as you leave.  If you live in MN, that doormat can get pretty nasty from all the snow and slush day in and day out in the winter months.  If you live in a place where there is alot of sand or dirt, again the doormat can get pretty nasty from the continuous build up of dirt.  In the Urban Dictionary, a doormat is defined as "somebody who is always walked over."  We have all known someone who is deemed a doormat.  Hell it might just be you!  Or even me!  There comes a time when that "kill them with kindness" cliche' has to be set by the wayside.  People will use you until the breath is sucked out!  They will doormat the hell out of you if you allow it.  Now, let's just be honest here we will not always know we are a doormat; but guess what?  The person walking all over you and wiping the shit from the bottom of their shoes on you . .know exactly what you are. Some may even be guilty in the aspect of being that person who walked all over someone.  If that's you, STOP IT!  Let me tell you why you should STOP IT.  You reap what you sow.  Karma is one bad bitch and if you are in the business of using people, walking over them, treating them as your inferior . . STOP IT! There is no time like the present to change your ways.  You may think you're getting even, coming up or someone owes you something because of your situation but at the end of the day you come out with close to nothing or with nothing at all.  Is your worth that low that you feel the need to do people wrong?  Give them false hope?  Use them for whatever until you get what you want?  Do right by people.  It's really not that hard!

Moving right along to dishrags!  I would hope that we all know what a dishrag is; but just in case you don't . .us Southern people call the towel that we wash dishes with . .a dishrag.  Ok see I was going to talk about the Urban Dictionary definition . .but uh . .we will just keep moving forward.  Look that up on your own . .LOL!  As far as this discussion goes, I'm going to talk about how after we wash the dishes, we wring out all the water.  In the South, the vernacular is "wrung out".  One thing for certain and for sure, you can not adequately dry dishes with a wet dishrag.  Why is that you ask?  Well it's quite simple .. the dishes will still be wet.  You have to wring all the water out of the dishrag in order to achieve the goal of drying the dishes.  It's the same thing when you're dealing with toxic people in your life.  As long as you allow them to keep rubbing their toxins on you or your life, you will never be able to move forward into your destiny.  You have to hold on tight, twist and turn that relationship . .whatever it may be . .in order to wring the toxins out.  I remember trying to do this in my last relationship.  Lord I tell you I tried to wring the life out of the toxicity that was intertwined and it just didn't happen.  I tried holding on to something that was no longer there as long as I could. I wanted it to be fixed so badly, but the reality was me wanting it wasn't enough.  Now, the other party might beg to differ due to the circumstances that evolved; however that's none of my business.  I can only elaborate on what I know I was doing. The only thing I did was invite more toxins into my life.  I was literally fighting against demons in order to keep my sanity and wring out my dishrag.  I finally came to terms after much begging . .I am not ashamed to say because it's my testimony . . this dishrag was no longer usable.  When you don't properly clean a dishrag . .with bleach might I add . .I'm from the South . .it will begin to stank. YES stank . .not stink.  It begins to acquire a slimy film over it and the pungent odor is too much.  Welp . .once that happens . .there's no wringing out . .it goes straight into the trashcan.  That's exactly what happened to my relationship.  The slimy, pungent film began to take over the dishrag and we all know how that ended.  Now if you don't know. . I need you to start from the beginning of my blog writing in December 2017 . . that should get you up to speed!

I will end this with two very important things. . if you get nothing else from this week's blog . .get this . .Do right by people AND Love yourself more than anything else.  IF you can do those two very important things, you will live a blessed, healthy, stress free, carefree and loving life.  You are definitely on the way to #findYOURhappy!

With Love

LR Wilson, Founder
IG: @channelingtequila
FB:  Channeling Tequila

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Thank you for reading every week.  I am truly BLESSED!

Emotionally Unavailable

When you just can not take one more damn thing in your life emotionally . . you become emotionally unavailable!  I was that person!  Going through the drama of my dissipating marriage I became unavailable in every aspect of life.  My kids were put on the back burner, my job was put on the back burner, yet somehow the employment gods blessed me with a team that held me up through everything, and all other relationships I was yes . .unavailable physically and emotionally.

What does it really mean to be emotionally unavailable? It simply means you become evasive,  make up excuses, or don't talk about how you truly feel in a relationship. I was all of that!  Whenever I would try to talk about something . . I dreaded the response of no response.  I also dreaded having to hear about all the other times and past things that happened in the relationship.  I absolutely can NOT stand the fact that the past is continually brought up in the present!  Let the past stay in the past and move one.  Okay so let me have this moment . . I understand that people do things .. we all do things that are sometimes unpleasant to either ourselves or someone else; however you can not call the kettle black when you're the pot that is just as black!  When someone continually talks about the past . .they have not either forgiven you, themselves or quite simply they want you to be just as miserable as they are . .although they will not EVER admit that.  Now we can move on . . WOOSAH!

I read an article entitled "Is Being Emotionally Unavailable Holding You Back?" (2015) by Rachel Nussbaum, and Elisabeth Mandel, a relationship therapist in Manhattan stated that "on the surface, emotionally unavailable people can appear to be very stable, "But if you can tell they are resisting changing emotional states, or they don’t have a lot of range, then there’s something threatening to them about emotions." Although emotional unavailability is often depicted as someone whose life is falling apart (hello, Trainwreck), it is ultimately about control. "It's sort of a protection or defense from feeling hurt," says Megan Fleming, Ph.D., a sex and relationship therapist. Emotionally unavailable folks are fiercely independent: They may not feel like they need anyone. To protect themselves from rejection, Fleming says these individuals retreat to their island of restricted emotions. But when someone cuts off half the spectrum of their emotional range, it comes at the cost of joy, excitement, and depth of connection in relationships."

YESS YESS YESSS . .that is it! I was losing control!  I lost control over my life, my marriage, my family, my self worth, my being!  I was indeed Emotionally Unavailable!  I was checked out of life.  I'm use to being in control of everything and making everything work for everybody.  I didn't have time to be Emotionally Unavailable . .I just didn't!  But I was!  It was my party and I cried if I wanted to . . and I do mean cried . . ALOT!

The only way to become Emotionally AVAILABLE is to combat things head on! You have to own your truth, accept your truth, forgive your truth and MOVE FORWARD!  The top warning signs of identifying you are Emotionally Unavailable are 1) You're Overly Critical; 2) You Keep Things (really) Light; and 3) You Blame Others.  Now to the resolution phase!!! 1) Deepen relationships with friends and family; 2) Change your social scenery; 3) Distract yourself and 4) Face it head on. These were spot on from the article!! Quite frankly . .I would move number four to number one! You have to be able to face things in order to 1) know they exist; 2) define why they exist and 3) work on becoming whole!

Ask yourself . . .are you Emotionally Unavailable?  Never mind the reasons why right now . .you have to identify your status first in order to deal with things effectively.  What are you doing about it?  

With that said . .I have one favor to ask of each reader. Please follow . .post to your social media . .

I never knew that my blogs touched so many people and  I want to make sure that I can do all I can to continue to help people heal by getting my story out there!

#findYOURhappy

With Love,

LR Wilson, Founder
FB:  Channeling Tequila
IG:  @channelingtequila

Branded & Bonded

Often times in life we go through things and we do not understand why!  In the moment, we definitely are not reflecting on what the outcome will be because we are "in the moment"!  Ironically enough for this piece, I was reading the devotional reading for today and the title is "You're Not Stuck - You're Going Through".  We, well I didn't, look at that as a positive.  The positive is you are moving through things and not remaining stagnant.  That's a WONDERFUL THING!  Yea it took me this long and that devotional reading to actually show me it's a good thing to be going through!


Going through my relationship drama I was branded.  Branded as the person who did everything to destroy the marriage.  True enough, I played a part; however I was not alone.  I can only discuss, as I have said time and time again . .my truth . . so that's what I will claim . .my truth!  It amazed me that so many other people knew so much more about me than I knew about myself.  Not just "people" but people who don't even know me had so much to say about what I was branded as to them.  At one point I asked, my then husband, if those people were there with me when I was doing whatever they said I was doing?! I was really confused about my branding when they didn't even know me.  Well lo and behold, a lot of jibber jabber was going on about what they heard.  We all know how the game telephone is played.  My thing is and always have been if you want to know something about me .. ask me.  I will then decide whether or not I want to answer your questions.  It's my right!


Bonded . . now this one is quite lovely I must say.  Recently I went on a girls trip with eight other beautiful, black, educated, fun females to Mexico.  There were nine of us total and six were Delta Sigma Theta . . my dream soro!  When I tell you there is no bond like the sisterhood that they have . .that I have witnessed . .it's real.  We had moments of reflection and complete vulnerability discussing our lives, challenges, past events, current events that have made and molded us into the women we are today.  It was a time of bonding that was so needed for many of us there.  Yes the trip was fun; however that moment of bonding time was essential, needed and accepted.  We came from different parts of the USA, different backgrounds, different educational statuses, different income statuses but at the end of the day we were all on a leveled playing field as we bonded.


When you are going through your moments in life be ready to be BRANDED & BONDED!  You will be branded by what others have seen, said or heard about you.  It's up to you to make sure your brand is true . . should you so desire.  It truly is a choice . .YOUR CHOICE to clarify anything you want to be clarified . .or not!  You can leave it as well.  Just like I did.  Find you a group or a person to bond with in your time of trials.  Sometimes you don't want to be bothered with people . .and Lord knows I get that . . so find something you can bond with to get yourself centered and ready to move forward. For me it's my poetry!!!  I've learned that not everyone is fit to be in my circle and it's ok.  Although I try to be a friend to everyone and help everyone . . it's not healthy for me and I have moved to a selfish lifestyle.  If it doesn't work for me . . .then it ain't happening!  End of story!


One of the most important things I have learned in therapy that I often recite 1) is it kind? 2)  is it true? and 3) is it necessary?  If you can answer all three of these questions without a doubt . . .you are on your way to freedom!  You have #foundYOURhappy


When the brands come flying what will be your response?  Are you equipped to withstand them?  Will you retaliate?  What is your bonding moment, person or people?  Be sure to put something in place so that you too can continue to live your #bestlifegoals!


#findyourhappy


With Love,


LR WILSON, Founder
FB:  Channeling Tequila
IG:  @channelingtequila

THATA GIRL MAGIC!

 Unless you have been living under a rock, I'm pretty sure you have heard of Black Girl Magic!  If not, here's a VERY BRIEF description . . ."celebrate the beauty, power and resilience of black women" was popularized by CaShawn Thompson in 2013 as described in Wikipedia.  Now if you want the FULL information, you can Google "Black Girl Magic" and get all the deets!!  Although I fully embrace Black Girl Magic and yes it's about damn time we are recognized in a positive light for our success, I also wholeheartedly believe in THAT GIRL MAGIC! 

THATA GIRL MAGIC celebrate the accomplishments, success, empowerment and emotional well-being of every woman! There are so many women who have battled depression, suicidal ideations, family disruptions, divorce, heartache/break yet and still they were about to PULL THEMSELVES UP AGAIN and REBUILD!  To you I say claim your THATA GIRL MAGIC!!  Life will throw you blows from every which way both imaginable and unimaginable.  Never would I have thought that after being in a relationship with a man for 20+ years I would be starting over literally from the bottom of rebuilding myself, my sanity, my family, my finances, MY LIFE!  I was solely dependent and complacent in my life with him.  I became stagnant and robotic . . coming and going . .which allowed me to lose self of ME!  I place no blame on him at all, because this was the choice that I made.  The choice of placing myself on the back burner. I'm sure others would beg to differ; however I know what I sacrificed and it was MUCH BIGGER than material things.

If I had not gone through all the things I did in the last three years, I definitely do not believe I would be where I am currently, emotionally, physically and most importantly mentally. THATA GIRL MAGIC allowed me to recognize that I am more than I ever thought I was in the beginning.  I allowed myself so many years of taking control over everything in the household because I was that girl. I took care of everything that involved "running" the household; however the finances were a joint endeavor.  A joint endeavor that ended . . just like my relationship which brought me to a stand still.  I had to activate THATA GIRL MAGIC in order to figure out how to make this household work again on one income.  Although my income alone SHOULD take care of running the household on my own . .it really is a mindshift and I needed supplemental income to assist with making sure not a beat was missed in the house.  My kids did not ask for any of this; therefore I vowed that I would do whatever necessary to keep their lives as "regular" as possible.  BUT GOD!  Yes . . He sat me down and we had a long talk about how my THATA GIRL MAGIC would happen.  AND YES IT HAS!!

Things I've accomplished have been AMAZING in just the last year alone! My THATA GIRL MAGIC kicked in and SLAYED! I stopped shedding tears of a lost relationship in December of 2016 when I asked my husband at that time if he wanted to get back together and work on fixing our marriage.  He was uninterested in doing that.  I said OK . . cried that last cry . .over shots of tequila (obviously . .had to happen with is being an antidepressant . .LOL).  2017 came in and it was ON AND POPPIN!  I began traveling again, I started this blog, I did my first ever OPEN MIC SPOKEN WORD EVENT all in 2017!!  THATA GIRL MAGIC ACTIVATED!!!

2018 rolled in with a BANG!  I hit the pavement running!!  Branded Channeling Tequila with a logo by @meg_global.  Who is AMAZING and gave me everything I wanted my logo to be when I had NO WORDS!!  Website is being designed by him as well so CHECK HIM OUT!!  I branched out and completed my first of many EMPOWERMENT events that was a WONDERFULLY SURPRISED turnout!  It was raw, emotional, safe and healing for all who attended.  IT was more than I could have ever imagined. I support entrepreneurs and it was so inspiring to see young entrepreneur women age 19 branching out their brand!! Go check out Elegant Eyewear on Instagram @eleganteyewear where young entrepreneur Kenedi Wright is taking over the FASHION EYE GAME with #dopeframesonly.  While you're on IG, stop by @laurenmundisjohnson to check out Luxurious Lips!  Other more seasoned entrepreneurs included at the event were Nature's Syrup @naturessyrup by De'Vonna Pttman and Rodan & Fields by Rochelle Wright also on IG @rnfrochelle.  SNATCH BAGS were off the chain as well with gifts from  Kathy Uecker at Perfectly Posh and can be found at https://kathyuecker.po.sh/.  Tai Goodwin-Kastens blessed us with her book Girlfriend It's Your Time!! So very fitting for the event!  A connection I made through a Facebook group and she has been an INSPIRATION!  Please follow her on IG @taigoodwin as well as taigoodwin.com. @hellofringe by Cicely Carr provided a BEAUTIFUL door prize sent all the way from Dallas TX!! You will NOT be SORRY!!

Before I forget . . .another endeavor I have jumped on board with is product reviews! If you are interested in having Channgeling Tequila to review your product or service, I am more than happy to do that for you! You can contact me via email for the details on how to get it going!!

I have reconnected and connected with some wonderfully inspiring women and men that encourage me. . .and I encourage them as well.  THATA GIRL MAGIC is in full affect!!!  BLESSINGS on BLESSINGS on BLESSINGS!  I am ready for 2019!!  So many surprises are in the works for you!!  What will your THATA GIRL MAGIC entail?  Have you activated it??  If not, there is NO TIME like the present!  THATA GIRL!

#findyourhappy

With Love,

LR WILSON, Founder
IG: @channelingtequila
FB:  Channeling Tequila page
Email:  channelingtequila@gmail.com

Website to come!!