When you just can not take one more damn thing in your life emotionally . . you become emotionally unavailable! I was that person! Going through the drama of my dissipating marriage I became unavailable in every aspect of life. My kids were put on the back burner, my job was put on the back burner, yet somehow the employment gods blessed me with a team that held me up through everything, and all other relationships I was yes . .unavailable physically and emotionally.
What does it really mean to be emotionally unavailable? It simply means you become evasive, make up excuses, or don't talk about how you truly feel in a relationship. I was all of that! Whenever I would try to talk about something . . I dreaded the response of no response. I also dreaded having to hear about all the other times and past things that happened in the relationship. I absolutely can NOT stand the fact that the past is continually brought up in the present! Let the past stay in the past and move one. Okay so let me have this moment . . I understand that people do things .. we all do things that are sometimes unpleasant to either ourselves or someone else; however you can not call the kettle black when you're the pot that is just as black! When someone continually talks about the past . .they have not either forgiven you, themselves or quite simply they want you to be just as miserable as they are . .although they will not EVER admit that. Now we can move on . . WOOSAH!
I read an article entitled "Is Being Emotionally Unavailable Holding You Back?" (2015) by Rachel Nussbaum, and Elisabeth Mandel, a relationship therapist in Manhattan stated that "on the surface, emotionally unavailable people can appear to be very stable, "But if you can tell they are resisting changing emotional states, or they don’t have a lot of range, then there’s something threatening to them about emotions." Although emotional unavailability is often depicted as someone whose life is falling apart (hello, Trainwreck), it is ultimately about control. "It's sort of a protection or defense from feeling hurt," says Megan Fleming, Ph.D., a sex and relationship therapist. Emotionally unavailable folks are fiercely independent: They may not feel like they need anyone. To protect themselves from rejection, Fleming says these individuals retreat to their island of restricted emotions. But when someone cuts off half the spectrum of their emotional range, it comes at the cost of joy, excitement, and depth of connection in relationships."
YESS YESS YESSS . .that is it! I was losing control! I lost control over my life, my marriage, my family, my self worth, my being! I was indeed Emotionally Unavailable! I was checked out of life. I'm use to being in control of everything and making everything work for everybody. I didn't have time to be Emotionally Unavailable . .I just didn't! But I was! It was my party and I cried if I wanted to . . and I do mean cried . . ALOT!
The only way to become Emotionally AVAILABLE is to combat things head on! You have to own your truth, accept your truth, forgive your truth and MOVE FORWARD! The top warning signs of identifying you are Emotionally Unavailable are 1) You're Overly Critical; 2) You Keep Things (really) Light; and 3) You Blame Others. Now to the resolution phase!!! 1) Deepen relationships with friends and family; 2) Change your social scenery; 3) Distract yourself and 4) Face it head on. These were spot on from the article!! Quite frankly . .I would move number four to number one! You have to be able to face things in order to 1) know they exist; 2) define why they exist and 3) work on becoming whole!
Ask yourself . . .are you Emotionally Unavailable? Never mind the reasons why right now . .you have to identify your status first in order to deal with things effectively. What are you doing about it?
With that said . .I have one favor to ask of each reader. Please follow . .post to your social media . .
I never knew that my blogs touched so many people and I want to make sure that I can do all I can to continue to help people heal by getting my story out there!
#findYOURhappy
With Love,
LR Wilson, Founder
FB: Channeling Tequila
IG: @channelingtequila
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